It seems that maybe more than most of the thirty-nine before it, I’m thinking about my upcoming fortieth wedding anniversary. This might be spurred by the heightened assault on marriage in our society. Or by a number of weddings seen lately-especially by work colleagues, and children of friends. It could also be because of the work that I am currently doing, especially on two manuscripts, one by Richard Warneck and the other by Jonathan Fisk. If I may then, let me share with you what is basically a love letter to my bride.
“Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone” Genesis 2:18a. And so, God created for Adam his Eve. His wife was a gift from God, a wondrous merciful act from a loving Father so that man would not be alone. So, put together by God, Adam and Eve learned what love was.
[Jesus] answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?” Matthew 19:4–5
Almost forty years ago, God put my Eve in my life. When I met Judy, I certainly knew what attraction was. Those feelings ran hot. But I didn’t know what love was, not really. But, Judy was to be God’s gift to me. He used even my lust for her to bind me to her, to see that I could build a life with this woman. I can’t imagine where, in stupidity, evil, and vice, the old Adam in me could have taken the nineteen-year-old me had I ventured out alone. When the world of the 1970s around me was lauding being unattached and “free,” God called me—certainly by His Word, but also through this woman—to not listen to the world. We know that we are never really free. Either we are sons of God or sons of perdition. We are either bound by grace to life everlasting with God or we are bound in sin to life everlasting with the devil and those who chose to reject God’s grace. In a world that is discarding marriage, I thank God that he gave Judy to me to have and to hold all my days—from November 3, 1977 until death parts us.
For my parents, especially for my Mom, it was the wrong priority. Certainly, I was committing myself to path that wouldn’t take me to college, would condemn me to end up living less than middle class. Mom had not finished college, so her ambition for her oldest son is that he would. Nineteen was too young to saddle oneself with a wife, with a family. I was closing doors that I hadn’t even explored. But the Lord knew the plans he had for me. For surely it was that I would go to college and to seminary and succeed because, I truly believe, because I had at my side, my dear wife.
I have come to know what love is, thanks be to God. My love for Judy is eros. It has been and continues to stoke my passions, it is romantic. My love for her is the heart-piercing arrow of Cupid run deep. My love for Judy is philia, a goodness that is borne of mutual benefit, companionship, dependability, and trust which we have for each other. This is the love that still draws our hands together as we walk together, even if the short distance of a parking lot. This is the love that is comfortable in shared silences, and that draws us together, if even to each read a book or iPad together in the same room. It is the shared laugh, a common regard for this or that, a gentle ‘poke’, and a considered nudge to get it done. It is this love, I believe, which gives us a ‘oneness’ that transcends romance. It is in this love that we are like two pieces of a puzzle that once put together, cannot be separated.
But above these, and binding them together, is agape love. Agape love is certainly nothing that I, on my own possess, and yet it sustains, shields, and maintains our marriage from the assaults of the world. Our Lord Jesus Christ has modeled for us this love: love that sacrifices all, even life, for the benefit of another. A love that sacrifices all so that He can hold up His Bride blameless. And while I can give such love only imperfectly, it is this love that I have for Judy, and she for me. I dare say we didn’t have this love deeply in the beginning, but I rejoice wading in its depths now. It is the love that has given me the courage to strive and endeavor and work hard to accomplish. It is the love that forgives when we wrong each other. It is because of Judy’s love that I was ‘free’ to go to school for ten years to prepare for a call into ministry in the Church. It was only because I knew I was so loved, that I alone was her man, and she my girl, that I could confidently be a parish pastor—walking out the door in the morning, not returning home until after the evening meeting, knowing that she would be there, and that the household and children were in her care. It is our agape love for each other which spans opposing sides, keeps us together during disagreement, and gives us strength during sickness, injury, recovery, and growing older.
It is because of our love for each other that we have problems saying “no” to each other, but know that, knowing our willingness to sacrifice for each other, we also come together to make decisions for our mutual care and good. It is our love, first for each other, and then for our children, that has allowed us to be there when each has come back to live with us as they transitioned from one place or circumstance to another—each time knowing we would be impacting our life, taking time away from each other and resources, sacrificing our comfort now, and, with some likelihood, an impact in the future as a result. She is the one person I would do anything for, and the one whom I always consider before doing anything else. I treasure that Judy and I have eros and philia love for each other, but it is our agape love which sustains me. It is in our love in which I live and move and define my being in this life.
The world around us continues to devalue the joining of one man and one woman in marriage because it is considered weakness to give up yourself for another. What they are missing! They are missing that marriage is a gift from God. “It is not good that man be alone.” What joy that God has bound me to Judy and more than not being alone, I am loved! XOXO